Dear Blog. This post shall be in English because I feel like it. Anyway...

I count two things, well three, but mostly those two things that could be potential causes for why I feel so fucked up.

Number 1: In kindergarten I was rather late to start using the toilet instead of potty if my memory serves me right. Anyway, this one day I just really have to pee and dont want to bother anyone so I decide to conquer my fear of the toilet (most likely I was scared of the height), so I climbed the thing and did my buisness. I then left the bathroom and planned to go on with my day, but oh no. A teacher catches me and starts showering me with compliments and next thing I know I got my jacket on and is forced to a victory lap around the building. I was so embarressed. She would tell everyone what I did... It felt like more of a punishment then a reward... Anyway, I still manage to keep some of my pride and I tell my parents and for a rarher long time "look at me, Im using the toilet" and after a while my parents got a little tired of it as the enthusiasm in their voices vannished... I got the message and shut up...

Number 2: In preeschool we had these bikes there to play with, three-wheelers. There wasnt enough for all so it was a bit of a compitition for those bikes, if you got one you simply didnt give it up till breaktime was over. Anyway, I had gotten a bike and I rode behind thw building cause I wanted a short break but still wanted the bike so I thaught I could hide out there for a min but no no, this guy comes up and tells me to give up the bike and I say no. He pushes me up against the Wall and strangles me in blind rage. (I swear it was almost like I was standing at the side watching)... Anyway he let go and took the bike and I couldnt stop crying, and was to scared to talk. But I told my parents and they told me to tell the teacher next day and at first they didnt believe me and The guy said he didnt remember and I dont know what happened next.

And Number 3 (not that I know if it belongs): my grandpa died when I was 5ish, my uncle died when I was 7ish my Mother nearly died on my tenth birthday, my great uncle died when I was 12ish and fathers Mother died a couple of years ago. Inbetween there my dog died, my father had a heartattack and my mom spent several tours to the hospital for treatment + plus I had a really bad concusion (caused by walking backwards and tripping so Kinda feel uneasy about walking backwards)... I guess all these events kinda got me scared of being close to people... 

But eh, I aint no expert... I just know something aint right in da head!

Over and out, Dear Blog...

Jag kan ta hand om mig själv. Jag kan faktiskt det! Du behöver inte smsa varje dag ooch fråga om jag inte ska upp. Jag är inte hopplös, jag kan ta hand om mig själv. Sluta stressa mig! Fattar du inte hur stressande det e? Att varje dag, behöva få ett sms precis som man inte kan något. Vad vill du att jag ska svara? Nej, jag tänker alldrig mer stiga upp? För snart är det mitt svar!

I hate myself for hating my mom... Dear blog, det e hur jag känner mig just nu, när jag sitter i mörkret, med tåror i ögonen och äter glass direkt ur paketet. Jag vet inte vad det är, morsan måste ha någon talang för det här för hon kommer alltid åt rätt knappar för att sätta igång vattenfallet, hon påstår att hon pratar normalt, men det gör hon inte. Inte sen senaste gången hon nästan strök med. Efter det är det som hennes muskler eller vad det än nu e har försvagats och hennes röst inte lika klar. Jag medger att jag tidigare har haft problem att höra, men då var jag inte fokuserad, nu när jag hör det svaga ipet från hennes röst försöker jag skruva ner volym på spel eller sånt men jag måste anstränga mig för att höra vad hon säger, sen är det mitt fel och pappa får en släng. Jag har försökt säga innan, men hon lyssnar inte... Jag orkar inte med mer